May today there be peace within.

This was emailed to me today. I like it ALOT! It reminds me of that song we're not suppose to sing anymore.

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'
.

GOD hears you through the tears and the prayers.
Turn your worry into WORSHIP..
Turn your Rage into READING THE WORD..
Turn your loathing, into LOVE
Turn your jealousy, into JOY
Turn your grimace, into GRACE
Turn your hatred into, HOPE
Turn your fear, into FAITH…
Turn your tribulation, into TRIUMPH
Turn your sorrow, into SONG..
Turn your attitude, into GRATITUDE..
Turn your pity party into PRAISE!
Have Faith, and believe.. YOU HAVE THE VICTORY!

God bless you, your breakthrough is on the way.. GOD loves you and so do I

Be Encouraged! Be Blessed

* Have you had your alone time with GOD today?

I missed my window for sleep

As usual I've ignored my 9:30 p.m. alarm to put my jammies on, brush my teeth, and really get into bed on time. I know, it's odd. I have to set an alarm when Robert's not here because I'll fall asleep on the couch or stay up until some ungodly hour watching movies or playing on the computer.I'm 36 years old and still like I might miss something if I go to bed to early. I was that little kid who despite those best efforts could never fall asleep before Santa came, before my birthday, before my Grammy came to visit. My whole life feels like it's been waiting in anticipation but for what?

Tonight I finished some paperwork and set out to get caught up on my blog stalking. It's ok when my girlfriends post stuff about their kids. But it is kind of mundane, "so and so said the funniest thing, so and so peed on the potty, so and so drove me crazy." You know what I mean. I really like it when my guy friends, when the daddies, step up to post. I just came across a pic of a college friend sitting on the couch with his infant daughter sharing a Yankees win. It's just adorable. Another friend posts things about what should the church do about helping parents to be the parents God intends them to be. I also saw pictures of another friend making his third adoption trip to pick up his daughter. Incredible, incredible picture of a baby looking into the face of her mommy for the first time. Just things you don't expect. Not really what I anticipated finding tonight.

Those are the things I don't want to miss out on. Those are the things I'm staying up late for. It's not that I don't appreciate the fluff, I just like to look for some thing different. Something that reminds me of those song lyrics, "striving to live a life less ordinary, extraordinary, less sedentary, revolutionary." I find myself looking for those lyrics in everything, in my clothes, in my hair, in my friends, in my books, in art, in my spiritual walk, in my prayer life. I've only heard the song one time but it made such an impact on me. I would guess that most of us are waiting for something; a note, a phone call, an answer, a turn of the calendar page, but I wonder if we turned it around and took a step towards anticipation, I wonder what we would find. I wonder what would be worth waiting up for.

You know that in between spot between awake and asleep?

I am in a pickle. Or maybe just a weird spot. My whole life I've known exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up and how I was going to get there. I am a teacher. That's what I do. The problem is I haven't taught in 10 years. And I don't see myself in a classroom anytime soon. That's so, permanent. So, inflexible. They would probably want me to show up... like everyday, showered, and preferably wearing something other than sweats.

That's why I enjoyed my job of 8 years as a part-time parent educator. I set my hours, it was part time, I didn't ever have one place to go, if I needed to be at home, I just rescheduled for another day. But they require me to work evenings and I don't want to. Again, so boxed in. So "the establishment." It's not that I shirk at responsibility or authority. I just have things outside of a job that I want to be free to take care of, like my children, my husband, my friends, myself. I don't want my job to dominate daylight hours or my identity. At the same time a part of me feels if I had a 9-5 job I would have a legitimate reason for turning people down that always ask me to do stuff for them because I don't work, or I would have a reason to tell people to stick it when they don't help with a project because they work and I don't, I don't know, I feel like I would have a stronger, legitimate standing, I wouldn't have to hear the words, "you don't work , you JUST stay at home...." * insert self pity whimper

You might be asking why this is such a big deal right now. I don't have to work for financial reasons. But I really don't do well as a full time stay at home mom. Too much time at home with a little person who can talk incessantly, doesn't provide me with a lot of intellectual stimulus. I just have that feeling that it's time to be a grown up. I have to admit even though I know it was the right thing to do for our children and our family, sometimes it's hard to see what my counterparts have accomplished professionally in the last ten years and what I have not. I worked really hard to obtain a certain level of education only to have it sit on a shelf. It's time to realize that dream of "when I grow up I want to be..." I just am not sure exactly what that looks like.

Sometimes I want to be a first grade teacher, somedays I want to teach teachers on a collegiate level, somedays I want to present trainings, somedays I want to be a reading specialist. Somedays I want to be a grant writer for non-profts.

But other days I want to volunteer everywhere but perhaps earn a little stipend.;) I love volunteering at Thrive St. Louis. (www.thrivestlouis.org) I love volunteering with the children and student ministries at church. I love the possibilities starting to emerge with volunteering for Touch A Life (www.touchalifekids.org). You would think that would be enough to fufill me along with my family. Unfortunately I really think it really does come down to power and value.

As a teacher in a self contained classroom I essentially get to work by myself. I realize the importance of a team but I don't like it. I really think I'm power hungry. I want to be in complete control, I want to make the decisions, I want people to turn to me for the answers. I honestly don't want to make other people's ideas and opinions fit in with mine. My "first born-ness" rears it's ugly head and says "I am the boss! I am the big sister!" It's hard for me not too look around and think the grass is greener because I would actually have respect handed to me rather than having to reason with a two or a seven year old that mommy really does know best.

It's times like these that God puts scripture in my head like "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." and "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." Or how about a little "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

Right now these scriptures don't make the career path or timeline any clearer to me. But what it does remind me of is my attitude. It reminds me not to get caught up in the things of this world. That whether I am a full time stay at home mommy, a college professor, a bored housewife, volunteer extraordinaire, or classroom teacher, my value and identity can not be dependent on a paycheck or job title. My whole purpose, my whole existence is following Christ and loving His people. And at the very moment I want to glance away from that job description everything else will crumble. I have to keep my gaze on Him.

1 Corinthians 9:19 (New International Version)

¹⁹Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.

Grocery Shopping Is An Art Form

Deep, deep, deep down, well maybe not so deep, I am a negative person. I am a cynic. I am Eeyore. I actually enjoy whining. The cup really is half empty. It's not a trait I am proud of I have to admit. It's something I truly try to fight for the most part. I think I'm more of a cyclical cynic. About every 4-6 weeks I realize how ungracious I have become and I hear every complaint out of my mouth as a clanging cymbal. I resolve to be encouraging, edifying, grace-filled in every endeavor, finding joy around every corner, the silver lining in every cloud. Three weeks into this resolution I feel the little niggling on my brain or I guess the red-caped demon sitting on my left shoulder start the whispering..."You work too hard, you're under appreciated, you're ignored, you're a doormat, you're invisible, you've been slighted, you've been insulted, ...etc., etc., ..." I try my best to ignore the whispers and pull myself up by my own boot straps singing "If You're Happy And You Know It." But sooner than later the melancholy sets in and I resemble Crankshaft more than Snow White. I start listening to *.... and the whole cycle starts again.

My latest resolution was to change my attitude toward housework. As a full time homemaker and stay at home mommy you would think I would just accept this part of my employment but I fight it tooth and nail. I hate it. I find no joy in washing dishes, folding clothes, scrubbing toilets, whatsoever. Because there is no completion. I can never bask in self glory and shout "I have overcome!!" because these jobs will never completely be finished. I have been known to refer to King Solomon when discussing meaningless toil. Nevertheless, I had charged my self to change my attitude towards my station in life. This is the current season of my life and this is what is expected of me. Chin up, shoulders back, and Tally ho!

One of my biggest nemesis is grocery shopping. This probably relates to the fact that I hate to cook because you have to wash dishes afterwards. But I digress. This week I decided I would make a menu based on what was already available in my pantry. This sounds pretty basic but this time was different. Instead of building a menu on grandiose recipes that I would never make or at least never make well, the menu made logical sense with the resources I had available based on the time and energy I had available on any given evening. I then proceeded to spend several days scouring the online coupons and mailers for the best possible deals. I carefully printed, snipped, and organized my coupons based on the store's layout. I even remembered this time to put my canvas shopping bags in the car the night before.
I patiently waited until today, $10 off Thursday at Shop and Save to get the most bang for my buck. Throughout this process I prayed diligently to God that I would be a Proverbs 31 Woman. That He would find even this mundane activity glorifying to Him. I prayed that He would be with me in every aisle. (Do you see how much I dislike grocery shopping?) I laid my little guy to bed for his nap and in the safe keeping of his father I bouyently dashed off to what promised to be the most successful shopping trip ever recorded.
The store was very busy but of course it would be right before the Easter holiday. I felt a little apprehensive merging into the shopping traffic but I had my chin up, shoulders back, and Dory's song on my heart..."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."
I was finding everything on my list, checking it off, making good use of my coupons. I only ran in to one older lady with my cart in the congested aisles. I'm half way through the store when the lights flicker, the power surges off then on again, a collective sigh rises from consumers, and then you hear the generators completely shut down. The sigh turns into moans and cries from cranky babies.

I am now in total darkness with ice cream in my basket.

I decide to just keep moving along and surely by the time I get to the check out line everything will be just chipper. I maneuver around all the obstacles and find everything I need. I bounce over to the check out line and find one of the shorter lines where I am the sixth person in line since the person in front of me nearly ran me over to get my spot only so she could sit and wait like the rest of us. Shop and Save's back up generators have kicked on. Well, now that's a good thing isn't. God truly loves me. Of course the belts aren't working and each person is having to manually move basket loads of groceries on their own. And it is a bit of a damper that the checker's can only check 2-3 items at a time before the register has to reboot. And it is a little disheartening that it's starting to rain outside. The babies cries are getting a little shriller. My phone rings at 2:40 p.m. It's the groomer saying Scout is ready to be picked up and "Oh by the way, we close at 3 p.m today."

I won't burden you with the rest of the details. But let's just say this. A.W. Tozer once said " Let us believe that God is in all our simple deeds and learn to find Him there." I didn't have to go up on a mountain, journey on a prilgrimage, or climb to the tallest steeple of the most ornate cathedral. God was at Shop and Save today and we talked a lot about what was important and how blessed I am. I'm still working on my attitude but in doing so I save $44.32 today.

Little fired up so beware

Most people assume my brain is a mixture of random, loosely connected thoughts. In all reality, I see things in unexpected shapes. All shapes have a beginning and ending. Thus, order. Today I'm thinking in triangles. Follow me around the points.
First Corner: I am reading yet another Brennan Manning book, The Wisdom of Tenderness. I can hear everyone's collective sigh so get over it. I think he is amazing and I don't care if you are tired of me talking about him. Once again, I have most of the book highlighted and commented but I have to return to one quote today. I just can't shake it's magnitude. Manning says, "The point is quite simple: most of the time (because we can't see motives) we're wrong in our judgments about others. The tragedy is that our attention centers on what people are not, rather than on what they are and who they might become. As Peter Van Breemen notes in The God Who Won't Let Go, 'We need enormous discipline to let go of our stereotypes, our own advantages, and our expectations to behold the other as she really is.' Rash judgement is the enemy of tenderness and compassion; it was vehemently denounced by the Lord Jesus as inimical to the Kingdom lifestyle."
Second corner:
I just keep mulling that line about tragedy in focusing on what people are not. I grow increasingly exhausted in conversations about what people are not, not a good mother, not the right kind of Christian, not in the right, not white, not smart, not enlightened, not enough time, not good enough, not employed, not enough money, not, not ,not on and on. I have to ask, what is the point? I have to examine my own life and at what point has it ever benefitted me to focus on what I am not, to focus on my limitedness, my lack of skills, my inability to cope, how I am not in the " in crowd," or the top 10%, or Who's Who of anything. So if doesn't work for me, why would I do it to others.
Third corner: Near my house is a part of town I refer to as "Church Alley." It's a route I have to take several times a day. It covers the gambit of denominations from Methodist, Lutheran, and Baptist to those who claim to be non-denominational such as Church of Christ and Vanilla Christian. As written before I am a habitual reader so I like to read the various church signs. This time of year you see the varying Fish Fry Invitations, a few youth events, basic information on meeting times. Sometimes I wonder what other people, maybe people who don't have a church family and really don't want one at this point, think about those signs. I am curious about the motivation behind the sign and are they a good enough representation of the people inside. Does it give us a glimpse of what is being said inside? For comparison, a church near my home has one of the fancy blipping, moving light signs. For the past month it flips through messages like "ATHIESTS ATTACK!", "DARWIN IS WRONG," and "ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE GOING TO HEAVEN?" I wonder who they are talking to, who they are trying to get to walk through their doors, are they successful. Would an athiest suddenly "come to their senses," after reading that sign and come to a loving and forgiving relationship with Christ? Another church advertises ministries like Men of Integrity, a sexual accountability group, Teen MOPS, a group to support teen mothers, Worship in Spanish for Haitian immigrants, Celebrate Recovery for people fighting all kinds of addictions. I'm not doing a very good job of masking my irritation am I?

So we've come full circle, or should I say full triangle. Should I even ask the question is it God's intention for us to focus on what people are not, or what He plans for them to be? My better question is for ourselves, do we treat ourselves as what we are, full adopted children of the King, or on what we are not. Do we treat others for what they are not, or do we look at them with the potential that God has stored within them. Do we love God and love others as ourselves?

Update on Brad

This was posted Sunday:
"This is Lisa Hanna posting on behalf of Brad and Jenny. Brad began this AM feeling extremely short of breath. They waited a while for this to dissipate, but it did not, and actually got progressively worse. They called the doctor, and made a decision to call Hospice. The nurse came out and gave Brad some medications to ease his breathing and anxiety (stemming from his difficulty breathing), which do indeed help, at least for a while. We are not sure the exact cause of his sudden deterioration--there is a long list of possibilities. However, what we do know is the power of God, and even in this desperate hour, we are still pleading and praying for His miraculous healing. Brad is courageous, and fighting--his strong spirit and sense of humor in the face of these circumstances is awesome to see. We all know that there are so many people praying and pleading on Brad's behalf, and I know that Brad, Jenny, David, Sandra, and the rest of us are so grateful and comforted with that knowledge. Please continue to pray--and knock it up a notch! Thank you."

This is today's posting:
"First, an update - Brad has had a pretty good day today. He has been up and in the living room and was even able to play a trivia game for a while. He is still extremely short of breath, but has been better able to hold conversations. We totally believe that the Lord\'s miracle is at hand.
Second, many of you have emailed sharing your thoughts and prayers and asking what you can do to help support Brad and Jenny and my family. As of right now we have been blessed immersuably by the outpouring of love and support you have offered. Our physical needs have been met by friends bringing over a great deal of food and snacks. Jenny says that at this point the best thing that could be done for Brad is for you to share your thoughts and prayers with him. While visitors and phone calls may prove too taxing for him he is checking his email and blog. If you would like, please feel free to share these by emailing him at buckywims@yahoo.com, through Facebook, or through their blog (thewims.blogspot.com).
Thank you,
Allison"

I appreciate all your prayers for Brad. I can't believe the pictures of him in the past year. Half the size he used to be. The big lug with a big heart.

Good friends, good books, good life

Language is not an abstract construction of the learned, or of dictionary makers, but is something arising out of the work, needs, ties, joys, affections, tastes, of long generations of humanity, and has its bases broad and low, close to the ground.

~ Noah Webster ~

So, I have this condition. It's pretty chronic. I read ... a lot. And I always have. I was one of those weird kids that just started reading around age 4. I read everything. I read the usual stuff you think of, the Bible, books, magazines, blogs, etc. Oddly enough, I don't read the newspapers, owner's manuals, or recipes. I find them all overwhelming, disturbing and depressing. Other than those three items, I really can't keep myself from reading signs, notices, postings, warnings, license tags, t-shirts, tattoos, cd covers, nutrition labels, billboards, tv production notes. blah, blah, blah...

I read for enjoyment primarily but also for escape, ease of boredom, nosiness, entertainment, education, and curiosity. You would think with all this reading I would have a larger vocabulary or at least be able to speak well. More often than not when talking to others I find myself struggling to communicate even basic thoughts, and names, oh my word I can never recall names even of dear friends! I stutter through and commonly hear myself saying, "my words are gone today," as if they are ever there in the first place. But I love to talk, moreover I love to hear really smart people talk. Not so smart that I 'm not on the same planet but clearly higher level intellectuals. I find it fascinating to listen to Robert when he's on a conference call. He has the ability to appear incredibly disengaged with the meeting as evidenced by his online word game Twirl and then suddenly pop into the conversation sounding very authoratative and well versed in what we call his "IBM voice."
But I do love to have conversations with other people and find out what they are thinking and how they got to those conclusions. One of my warm fuzzy places is having a large group of people over and I can just move in and out of their conversations and just be enveloped in the ebb and flow of words. Conversations with people I don't even know are intriguing. It may seem somewhat creepy but sometimes I like to sit in a coffee shop and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. Don't worry, I've left Sam's spy gear at home...for now ;)
I guess what is making think about all this morning is I've had several people comment my pathological need to write in books. I guess I have a need to talk with people who aren't even physically present or necessarily alive. Iwonder if part of the reason I have to write notes in my book is my notes help me store the information deeper in my brain. I suffer from chronic forgetfulness or even more frustrating chronic partial forgetfulness. You know, the word in on the tip of your tongue, you can "see" part of the idea in your head but lose the rest in the recesses of your memory. It drives me crazy but I can't seem to find a solution other than to write everything down. Like this blog that no one reads.
My notes also help me start a conversation with who ever reads my book after me. I also can converse with the author themself. Maybe that is my deeper motivation is I respect the author's gift of penmanship so deeply I don't want their writings to be in vain. They wrote it down for someone else to benefit. Time is at a premium. Most of my friends are not in a point in their life where they can devote huge chunks of time to sit and talk about a book with me. Besides, I wouldn't be able to get my words out in the way I want them to come out anyway. Even at home when Robert and I try to share a passage with each other or discuss a book we have both read the interruptions are numerous. If he can read my comments we've connected on some level with the book.
I'm sure I write things also so I will be remembered at some point.This is who I am and this is what I was thinking when I read this book at this point in time. I can't buy every book I want and my library fees are extraordinary. Did you know the library really frowns on you writing in their books? Since I can't begin to finance every book, I want I have a friend that has granted me permission to write in his books. Is that the mark of a true friend or what? I recently purchased a book that I knew he owned and he remarked that he would of been happy to lend it to me. I told him I needed to own this book myself. He expressed that he would be disappointed not to see my remarks. Good friends, good books, good life. So keep funding the printed word. Don't let time and money limit your reading to online or on cd. I need parchment and pen, yellowing pages falling out of a well read book, pencil scratchings on the side for my contentment.

1. Language is a primary form of interaction through which adults transmit to the child the rich body of knowledge that exists in the culture.

2. As learning progresses, the child's own language comes to serve as her primary tool of intellectual adaptation. Eventually, children can use internal language to direct their own behavior.

~Vygotsky~